So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
