What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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