matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
