Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
