Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
