We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
