this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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