i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
