i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize