one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
