It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My cat gives me a boner
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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