"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
