it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
