My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
