I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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