i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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