I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
