4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
