My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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