did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
