he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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