I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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