Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize