I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
