my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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