i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
What drink are we having for lunch?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
