I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
