I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
