You're my little dorito
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
