She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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