My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
