things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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