Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize