o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
