cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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