I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think a kid would responsible me up
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
