Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize