Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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