Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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