i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
