Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
