3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
