she woke up with a sticky ear
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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