apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
