I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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