i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
