There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
