Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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