last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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