I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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