He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
