I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No subtext here. People are naked.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
