She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
