I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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