I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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