Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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