So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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