I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
