My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
