Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
